I like to stop for coffee on the way in to work, and after almost 2 years at my current job the morning coffee fashion tribes at my local establishment are well defined…
Work Out Babe – This is a pumped up woman in Uggs and a flashy track suit, either Juicy Couture (high end) or Pink (low end). Her sweat pants have a provocative noun or adverb printed on the butt; she wears makeup and hoop earrings to the gym. She drives an Escalade or a Hummer2 and leaves it running at the curb. Takes forever to order because she has to consult with the person at the register about every item on the menu and its caloric content.
Moscow Mobster – Instead of a suit this guy wears a lavishly fringed black leather cowboy jacket with big raglan shoulder pads. His jeans have creases pressed into them and he also sports black cowboy boots and a belt with a huge silver buckle. He’s a bad dude who looks like Pee Wee Herman. Has a cell phone glued to his ear and rapidly scolds people in Russian, switching between two conversations. He occasionally breaks into English and proceeds to browbeat some unfortunate soul for not getting something across a border. Might be on the OFAC list. Drives a used late model Lexus or baby Mercedes that he bought with cash.
Salary Man - He is feeling the pressure and has a 3 hour commute from another state. Wears a (Scott) brown barn jacket and drives a Toyota Tundra vanity truck. Probably sleeps with his Bluetooth device attached to his head. Like Moscow Mobster he carries on two conversations at once, using his best sotto voce to make sure everyone in the vicinity knows how busy he is. Cannot stand waiting for even 30 seconds and if he is behind you in line you can almost feel his breath on your neck. Conveniently parks in the handicapped spot because he keeps his mother’s hang tag in the truck.
Marshalls Matron – Often does not make an appearance until after 9:00am, stopping by to fortify herself for a morning of heavy shopping. Wears a quilted coat and carries a metallic Kathy Van Zeeland bag that makes your eyes hurt. Is in her late 60’s but mysteriously has no grey hair. Never moves to the side after she gets her change and always counts it before she puts away her wallet.
Life is Good – This gent took an early retirement 25+ years ago. Meets his buddies every morning for coffee, politics, sports and investing tips. Drives a Detroit sedan, either an old Caddie or a Buick. Wears a baseball cap, an old Timberland jacket and Merrells. Has a winter home in Ft. Myers and a rock solid pension. Methodically plants himself in front of the coffee station, fills his cup, adds sugar one packet at a time, STIRS IT and takes a sip all the while holding up 20 commuters who just want to get to work.
Mobile Office – this is guy who uses the free Wi-Fi to run his business. Drives a sporty Volvo with a Thule rack. He nurses one cup of coffee and settles himself into a four person booth for a productive three hour session of email and phone calls. Jeans, a Patagonia fleece jacket and iEverything. Ignores all larger parties looking for tables, especially moms with small children and fragile seniors.
Fill ‘er up!
























